To a Friend

I thank you.

I thank you for saving me from myself.
You saved me, from my own self-created illusion, that I was the centre of the universe.
You saved me, from the burdens on my back that were crushing me.
You saved me, from the fortress that I myself built, to "protect" me.
You saved me, for wearing too many masks, that I do not know who I really am.

With your fist, you shattered the fragile illusion.
With your voice, you commanded the burdens to leave.
With your presence, the fortress was demolished.
With your eyes, the masks tore off, one by one.

You left me with only a shell of myself.
You left me vulnerable, reminding me that I was human.
You forcibly crushed my own delusions, reminding me that I can be hurt like anyone else.
You burned the masks, leaving me with only one option - to really be myself.

I thank you for not rejecting me outright when I did what I did to you.
I thank you for not destroying me, even though you could have done so very easily.
I thank you for your tolerance and patience towards me, even though I did some questionable things around you.
I thank you for spending time to listen, even when I was spouting nonsense.
I thank you for acting entertained, even though I wasn't even remotely entertaining.
I thank you, for revealing what I needed, instead of giving me what I wanted.
I thank you, for providing me with what I really needed - a good helping of reality slapped on my face.

I lament the fact that we are so near, yet are as far as the heavens and earth.
I lament the fact that Time was not on our side.
I lament the fact that the Fates were playing a joke on us, as we could have met way earlier.
I lament the fact that I only met you so late.
I lament the fact that I lacked the courage to approach you at first.

As you leave,
The illusion will be recreated.
The burdens are coming back.
The fortress is rebuilt.
The masks will be worn again.

As you leave,
I can only hope, that someday I will meet you again.
I can only hope, that someday everything comes crumbling down again.
I can only hope, that I will not need the masks again.
I can only hope, that I can find another like you as a companion.

Until then,
I journey the dark Earth with my illusion.
I journey the dark Earth carrying my burdens.
I build upon the dark Earth, my fortress.
I journey the dark Earth, wearing the masks, traveling as an unknown, an enigma.

Until then,
I pray the Fates treat you well.
I pray that the Almighty protect you.
I pray that my Provider provides for you.
I pray that His angels protect you and those you love.

As you have blessed me, so will I.
If you need an ear, I will listen.
If you need a shoulder, I will provide.
If you need an opinion, I will give.
If you seek counsel, I will avail myself.

I doubt you will even find this, never mind read this,
So until then,
I thank you for giving this pathetic shell of a man a reason to exist.
I thank you that you revealed to this man his identity, when it was previously buried.
I thank you that you gave this man a chance, when he normally would have none.
I thank you that you gave this man comfort, when he previously found none.
I thank you that you gave this man confidence, when he previously had none.
I thank you that you gave this man the heart of a lion, when he previously had one of a mouse.
I thank you that you gave this man what he needed all along - a real friend.

From the bottom of my heart, I say to you:
I thank you, MY FRIEND.

The Road Not Taken

Just thought about this poem when I found a few friends from primary school in Facebook.

We have lost contact for more then 6 years, then they make a "return".

The main reason we got separated was I went to a national-type school, while they went to private schools.

I actually took the entrance exam, passed it, just never did enter school, sad to say.

It was mainly because my dad got me into the one of the best national-type schools in Klang (SMJK Kwang Hua Klang).

Ever since I "re-met" them (if there ever was such a word), the question never ceased to bug me: What would happen if I made that turn?

What would happen if I went to a private school?

Thus, the poem by Robert Frost:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Did the road I take make "all the difference"?

People I never met.

People I never loved.

Things I would never do.

A whole universe opens up!

I would like to meet him.

Me from an alternate universe.

Where he took the path I didn't get to choose.

I would like to meet him.

So many questions to ask him!

"So, how's life?"

"Where are you studying now?"

"Got a girlfriend?"

"Tell me everything."

"Tell me everything."

"Tell me everything..."

The Monsters Within...

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster."

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

"We don't hate people because they are different, we hate them because we see within them what we hate about ourselves."

~ Andrew Yew

What have I turned into?

In him, I see who, or what I could have been.

In him, I see what would have happened if I took a different path.

In him, I see myself.

In him, I see my darker self.

In him, I see a nightmare of myself.

In him, I see the other side of my coin.

In desperately not trying to become him, have I changed for the worse?

In desperately escaping from emulating him, have I turned into something more evil?

In struggling against mirroring him, am I actually getting closer and closer to *becoming* him?

In fighting this "monster", have I in turn, become one myself?

I don't know...

So far...

Current progress: Exam Week

Going to fail: Japanese

(Will) barely pass: Computer Modelling

So far so good: Computer Environment

Not sure: Scripting Languages

Yeah, being in FCM is so much fun...

Sigh...

I'm screwed ain't I?

That's It. I Quit...

But I can't.

My hands reach for the sky, only for me to fall down.

I sprint towards the finishing line, only to be carrying more burdens along the way.

As I drop one, two pile up behind me.

I'm falling into the abyss.

Will nobody help me?
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My wings are clipped,

My limbs bound by chains,

I am not free.

My mouth is sealed,

I can't scream,

I am not free.

My eyes are shut,

I cannot see,

I am not free.

If I am not free,

Then why am I here?
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I long for a helping hand,

I long for strength to go on,

I long for the determination to continue,

I long for a purpose to live,

Sadly He gave me none of those.

He has only given me burden after burden.

He has only given me disappointment after disappointment.

He has only given me fall after fall.
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I want to quit... But I can't.